Porkchop II: Rise of the Rind (2012)

To say I don’t understand Porkchop II: Rise of the Rind would be an understatement. It looks decidedly low-budget, the lighting’s alright, but it’s also clearly a digital production. It begins with two girls walking down a wooded path, complaining about how no motorists have helped them. Or even driven past. All in all, a good start to what looks to be a inspired addition to the slasher genre.

Then the weirdness starts. The girls, complaining about how hot it is outside, then decide to slink off into the woods to have sex. Just like that, one minute we’re all “oh my God, we’re lost, where are we” and now we’re soft-core porning it up. As abruptly as I hopefully made the second sentence make it sound. Thank God Porkchop (Robert Cobb) quickly comes out of the woods and kills these two ham-handed horndogs.

Now I’m not anti-sex, but there’s a way these things are supposed to progress. I just don’t appreciate random non-sequiturs leading into the T&A. I also don’t believe lesbians perform oral sex through their shorts.

Porkchop II is also part musical. Simon (Sam Qualiana), the new kid in town, meets Meg (Angela Pritchett) a girl obsessed with the Pock Chop killer and they sing the exposition together. I’m starting to get scared now, as my production company, Armzka Productions, is also putting on a musical, the Tragic, Terrible Tale of Dr. Basketball: A Techno-Gore Musical. I so hope that our singers aren’t this bad. Ideally our music will cover up any of our singers’ inabilities.

So Porkchop is the town’s dirty, little secret; one which everyone wants to forget. Everyone except Meg, of course, but even her love can’t explain the glaringly missing story. While everyone talks about how they’re not supposed to talk about Porkchop, those of us who missed the original film are left in the dark. No idea about what constitutes the legend of Porkchop.

We do see Porkchop murder a boy by jamming the kid’s head through his bong, which is pretty fantastic though.

Though in hindsight, I think the radio silence about Porkchop’s past actually works in the film’s favor. It’s usually the point where a villain becomes iconic that their franchise begins to fail. Freddy became a imitation of what he once was. So did Jason. So, by keeping the most interesting character out of the spotlight, writer/director Eamon Hardiman actually prolonged his creation’s life.

And what a job at keeping Porkchop out of the spotlight. During the movie’s 60 minute run time, Porkchop spends around 2 minutes total onscreen during the first 40. Leaving us in the dark about him in every way possible.

Porkchop only takes center stage when Simon’s parents have to leave for the weekend, which allows Simon and Meg to host a party in order to ingratiate themselves with the high school’s social leaders.

There’s one group of dominant rich kids, the only other people we really meet, fitting the usual stereotypes. There’s the drunken lug, the rich prep, and two wanna-be socialites. Much like Meg, it’s the socialites who buoy the film.

Trevor (Lance Torgelson): “I don’t know, Meg’s kind of cute.”

Heather (Kaylee Williams): “Oh yeah? Just how cute is she?”

Trevor: [dejected] “Nevermind.”

Heather: “Oh no no, I mean, is she cute enough to keep you from getting laid for the next month? Keep making your fucking comments Trevor, and see what happens.”

All the women in this film, whether vile or angelic, are surprisingly real. They have the same motivations and desires that real women have; rather than just being props for the men to act for.

Heather’s jealousy, while not pretty, is at least pretty honest. Meg being the best example of great characterization here, as she’s as flawed as anyone who’s not a Hollywood actress is, but there’s absolutely no mention of her as imperfect. She’s just Meg, the local crazy girl obsessed with the town’s only dubious claim to fame, who has no intention of ever fitting in.

Once the party starts, the blood starts to flow with all sorts of inventive kills. Having a serial killer who wears a stitched pig mask may not seem like the most interesting villain, but Porkchop does squeal like a pig at all times. And he’s also fond of impaling his victims on whatever sharp object is nearby; earlier a bong, later a tiki torch.

All of this leads up to one of the best twists I’ve seen in awhile. Granted, the twist is telegraphed early on, but Hardiman coyly spends the rest of the film unconvincing you that it could be true; so that you’ll start doubting yourself. Until the very end, when you’ll start kicking yourself for being such a fool.

Porkchop II: Rise of the Rind is a picture perfect example of how low budget horror movies should be made.