Halloween Endurance Test: Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)

We caught the infamous, “worst movie of all time,” Plan 9 from Outer Space during a special Rifftrax performance. Rifftrax are the guys behind the Mystery Science Theater 3000 robots, still riffing on the horrible films they watch. Years after the show’s demise, their hit-to-miss ratio of good jokes to bad hasn’t changed a bit, though it is weird to see a grown man talking in Tom Servo’s voice rather than Tom Servo himself.

You also have to wonder whether they were setting themselves up to fail here, as Plan 9… already has a considerable pop culture reputation. The Misfits’ record label in the 80s was called Plan 9, and as late as ’96-’98 Filmfax magazine was selling Tor Johnson t-shirts. I know because I had one, along with a special Ed Wood box set that came wrapped in faux pink agora. Not to mention Tor Johnson Records itself. Tim Burton had already made his award-winning biopic, Ed Wood.

The story behind the film is already well known. Wood, never the most capable director, knew aging, drug-addled star Bela Lugosi (of Dracula fame) didn’t have long to live. So he shot as much footage of Lugosi he could; mainly of Lugosi walking in and out of his house. After Lugosi’s death, Wood then cast his own chiropractor to finish out the part, with his cape-draped arm held in front of his face to fool the audience.

Continuity doesn’t exist in the film. Scenes switch back and forth from daytime to nighttime depending on what set or location they were shooting on.

After Lugosi, original television scream queen Vampira is the film’s other marketable star. She plays a zombie here, as part of her agreement to make the film involved the stipulation that she wouldn’t talk. (An amusing stipulation that would be used again by Christopher Lee years later, in Hammer’s Vengeance of Dracula.)

Wood was well known for being able to come up with inventive shorelines (here, space aliens plan to invade Earth using an army of zombies), and, after his film career petered out, he would end up surviving by penning cheap, sex books (an early one, Orgy of the Dead, was made into a film). Unfortunately he had no such skill with dialogue.

“It’s tough to find something when you don’t know what you’re looking for.”

“And remember my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future.”

“Stronger? You see? You see? Your stupid minds! Stupid! STUPID!”

Even inconsequential lines get screwed up, as when the army officer says “One thing more…” Perhaps the alien’s rays also screw up our grammar! An story angle that Wood somehow missed!

“You speak of ‘solarinite,’ but just what is it?” asks the officer.

“Take a can of your gasoline, say this can of gasoline is the sun. Now, you spread a thin line of it to a ball representing the Earth. Now, the gasoline represents the sunlight, the sun’s particles. Here we saturate the ball with the gasoline, the sunlight, then we put a flame to the ball. The flame will speedily travel around the Earth, back along the line of gasoline back to the can, or the Sun itself. It will explode this source, and spread to every place that gasoline, our sunlight, touches.

Explode the sunlight here gentlemen, you explode the universe. Explode the sunlight here, and a chain reaction will occur direct to the sun itself, and to all the planets that sunlight touches; all the planets in the universe.”

To think, the Day the Earth Stood Still managed to reduce that unweildy monologue to less than a line, merely embodying it into the character of Gort.

Even the film’s title is a mistake. Running out of funds halfway through the project, Wood turned to a Baptist investor for assistance. Said investor was interested, but only on two conditions: 1.) the cast and crew would be baptized (Wrestler/actor Tor Johnson being so huge that they had to use a swimming pool!), and 2.) the words “Grave Robbers” couldn’t be used in the title; as it was felt to be sacrilegious. Thus Plan 9 was born!

Unfortunately Wood had already filmed psychic/friend Criswell’s introductory speech, one where he asks if the audience can handle “the shocking facts about Grave Robbers from Outer Space?” One minute into the film and we’ve already hit the first mistake!

Halloween Endurance Test: Ghost of Frankenstein (1942)

Ygor’s back again? After being shot numerous times by the Son of Frankenstein? My pet-theory about how Ygor was created by the filmmakers as a separate Frankensteinian-id is gaining ground here. Ygor/Id as a way for the Frankenstein character to commit the murders the story demands without sacrificing the valuable “good guy” sympathy with the audience. After all, just how guilty can the Baron really feel when he’s ordering the murders?

Though I’m beginning to suspect that all this focus on visualizing Frankenstein’s psychological split is distracting me from the true action: the villagers. Tired of constantly running scared from the monster, today the villages take action. Deciding to blow up castle Frankenstein to ward off the curse that is causing the crops not to grow. I’m not sure how the castle is affecting the crops; it is located on a mountain and not an arable field, and thus seemingly out of the way. I’d suspect that the castle brings in more tourist revenue then anything else in this fiefdom.

Have you ever seen how people use dynamite to destroy castles? Apparently just as they did at the finale of The Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers. The scene where the orcs prepare to invade Helm’s Deep, and run a bomb into what appears to be the sewer entrance holds everything you’ll ever need to know to other throw unresponsive feudal lords.

Four movies into the franchise and we still have no idea what era this is all supposed to transpire in. Horses and carriages are the main sources of transportation, but one can’t forget the telephone Dr. Pretorius brought out in Bride of Frankenstein.

While the title of Son of Frankenstein was spot-on, I have no idea how ghosts play into the story here. The main gist of the story is the monster wants a new, non-criminal, brain. Dischord on the homefront, Ygor wants to give the monster his brain; tired as he is of ending all his films either shot or hung. The monster, with his first demonstration of free will ever, wants the brain of an innocent child.

“Let’s go to Frankenstein and choke the truth out of him!”

At this point I can’t tell whether the movie’s pro-vigilante justice, or just con-child murder. There’s just too many generations of Frankensteins running around the screen now. His daughter too? It’s longwinded hokum like this that made the following road-trip cinematic excursions so popular.

Perhaps this was all a trick by Universal to get Bela Lugosi to finally play the monster, even if it’s byway of dubbing his voice onto Lon Chaney’s body? Do studios hold grudges that long? Did Lugosi even have any star power left to make such a move worthwhile? (He is after all, billed fourth in this feature.)

Halloween Endurance Test: Son of Frankenstein (1939)

The first thing one notices in Son of Frankenstein is that it’s a revenge flick. You’re not even a minute in and Bela Lugosi leans his head out of Castle Frankenstein’s ruins; attempting to scare away juvenile vandals, and failing at it! The major studios might turn a blind eye to a star’s “personal demons,” but they’d never forget a slight such as refusing a role they wanted for you. Instead they’d wait out your good fortune, and slap you with fourth billing as Igor the hunchback, the next chance they get. Ygor isn’t even a “true” hunchback, he just seems to have lopsided shoulders due to his broken neck.

Ygor plays the film’s comic relief, a new turn for Lugosi. Called in front of the court to inform them about Frankenstein’s son’s experiments, the authorities can’t decide on how to deal with Ygor, not Frankenstein. At first they want to hang him, but as he points out, they already have. They ultimately decide on the almost Fulci decision that if he’s hung but the devil doesn’t want him, they’ll have to wait to hang him again. Apparently the courts here only prescribe a punishment, not what the end result of that punishment should be.

In time Ygor will become the darker side of Frankenstein’s son’s conscience; commanding the murders that Frankenstein’s father had to call for himself in Bride of Frankenstein. Ygor trains the monster to respond in a Pavlovian manner to the playing of what appears to be a kind of backwoods Hungarian flute. Bela jams, a townsperson dies. Only this time they aren’t dying for (body) parts, they’re dying so no one finds about the experiments that they’ll need (body) parts for.

Frankenstein’s heir, true to the film’s title, runs the show. Traveling to the family estate from England, where he was a professor, Frankenstein wants to escape the academic life. What he can’t escape is the baggage of his name; as his absentee, monster-making father isn’t the most popular person in the village. The village inspector introduces himself, explains why the Frankensteins are so unpopular, then shows off his wooden arm; as the monster ripped his last one out during his rampage.

One really wonders what happened after Elizabeth was kidnapped in Bride of Frankenstein. Here Frankenstein’s son admits he’s only ever heard tales about his father, and he’s excited to find his father’s scientific notes. Notes, we soon find, that outline how to create everlasting life. Igor, always eager to please, helpfully points out how Frankenstein’s son and the monster are technically half-brothers, in a strange attempt to perversely justify the monster’s resurrection in a twisted, familial way.

“The cells seem to battle themselves… as if they have a mind of their own.”

The monster’s angry disposition now becomes conditional upon his origin. The forcing of life into dead tissue has left that tissue disagreeable even amongst each other. The cells within his own blood can’t get along. (He also has a heart twice the size of an average human. Where Frankenstein Sr found that specimen is never explained.)

Or perhaps its due to the castle’s layout. Which owes more to German Expressionism then ever before. Gone are the majestic cathedral ceilings, replaced with meandering staircases and hallways composed entirely of shadows. Making one think that young Frankenstein made a wrong turn somewhere and ended up at Caligari’s castle.

Halloween Endurance Test: Dracula (1931)

Just what everyone wanted: more bats. (Be prepared, faithful readers, for in the last few months I came across many a classic Universal horror movie set, and managed to pick up a bunch. So this year you’ll be getting a learning about how to milk a cash cow.) What more can I say about the original film that I didn’t already say two years ago? Not much.

Bela did learn all his lines phonetically, though he was already famous for his portrayal of Dracula in numerous stage productions. Director Todd Browning was a drunk who nearly ruined the film with his ineptitude. (It was famously overshadowed by a Mexican production using the same sets; filmed at night after Browning’s crew had gone home.)

This year we’ll focus on this edition’s special features. First, watching Dracula with Philip Glass‘ score immensely improves the film. Strangely filmed with almost no background music, Glass’ orchestration helps set the tone.

Universal pulling Stephen Sommers aside to host a featurette, on the other hand, stinks of commercialism. Now I understand the man had just produced/directed Van Helsing, and the studio wanted a tie-in. That’s understandable. But please find someone with a bit more knowledge of the source material.

(Seriously, was David J. Skal too busy to host the featurette? He’s a respected name in the horror community; having written books on Dracula and its ilk. Christ in a sidecar, he does the feature commentary on the disc!)

After watching all the “classic films” (House of Dracula? Really?), Sommers was hit with a bolt of clarifying inspiration: Dracula is a tale of love! The Count just wants to be loved, and can’t ‘cuz he’s a reanimated corpse! (Wondering how the Van Helsing movie turned out so bad? Just reread that last line. After all, it can’t be easy ruining a film containing all of Universal’s famous monsters.)

A quick glance through any book on vampires will find at least one chapter on the novel Dracula. Noting, as they all do, that Bram Stoker was a man trapped in a unhappy marriage to a frigid wife, who visited prostitutes and caught syphilis. Hence, Dracula is about carnality, not love. (To quote Mr. Iggy Pop, “I just wanna fuck; ain’t got time for romance.”) Any worth grader can explain the innuendo inherent in “sucking,” Mr. Sommers.

(To further explore Stoker’s exploits with the “ladies of the night,” please see Lair of the White Worm. Two guesses what the diseased white worm really is.)