How Could You Run?

Publix seriously needs to lower the prices of their vending machine sodas. A can of Coke costs like four dollars now! I can buy a twelve pack for that, or a kilo! This exaggeration is bothersome since it leaves me with way too much pocket change.

Now the only use I have for loose change is toll booths. Since I no longer live in the tolliest state in the Union (Delaware), even that use is gravely endangered. If it wasn’t for that ghastly, unshaven toll Morlock guarding the bridge to DeSoto Beach, I’d be drowning in quarters.

A co-worker has some kind of futuristic debit card that rounds up all her purchases, and then deposits the difference into her savings account. As if cannibalism, in any form, is admissible.

Even the horrors of eating your own kind makes nothing of the fact that this co-worker uses the Bank of America! I wouldn’t return to that bank if they had a super-advanced feature that rounded all your purchases down! I wouldn’t shit in a Bank of America parking lot! For pleasure or revenge! That’s how much I hate ’em!

Long story, medium-length: I started my relationship with modern banking with Barnett Bank. You know the story, I was young, it was green, everything was great. Barnett was bought by Nationsbank, which in turn was swallowed by the Bank of America. Who, to get back at me for spending the most productive years of my life blissfully unemployed, started delaying my deposits after I broke down and finally got a job!

-Any Wednesday U.S.A.:

“Can I help you?”

“Yes, I deposited a check Friday and am wondering why it hasn’t gone through.”

“Well sir, normally deposits take up to two business days to clear.”

“No, not last Friday, but the Friday before that one!”

“We’ve been very busy here with our systems…”

“I’ve been busy too! Working! For money I apparently can’t spend!”

So I moved all my nothing into the safe confines of Charlotte State Bank. People wonder why I still use a out-of-city bank. It’s simple really: they have great pens. They’re open on Saturdays. And they provide cookies, coffee, and motherfucking sugar-free pink lemonade in their lobby!

(And yes, for all you shit-stirrers out there, while in Delaware I did have a short, torrid affair with Artisans’ Bank; while still using Charlotte State! But look, how could I resist? They were thousands of miles away, and the other’s logo is a squirrel! I didn’t cheat ‘cuz I loved them, but because I missed Charlotte State!

Plus they handwrote me a “thank you” card for opening an account. Fucking handwrote it!)

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2 Responses to “How Could You Run?”

  1. It’s brilliant how you shift from one gripe to another without losing the spontaneity of your thought. ;p

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