“Dude, I have a story I have to tell you. I’m not allowed to bring it up around company, so it’ll be off-limits at our dinner.
We went to the zoo in DC a few weekends ago, and I totally thought of you. We were at the monkey cages, us and a few families, and there was a giant ape standing by the window. Nothing strange, but then he leans down, picks a turd off the ground, and eats it!
We’re all standing there shocked, and then he pukes! Have you ever seen puke with shit in it?
But wait, it gets better!
So then he leans back down, picks up some of the shitpuke, and eats it again! And pukes it all right back up!
Everyone was mesmerized, until I noticed that they were all looking at me. Cackling like a hyena in the back. Everyone else was disgusted, and I was busting up.”
“Did you take a picture?”
Clearly my friend is not living up to his end of the relationship. I have two CDs worth of footage of the Perv wearing a Sarasota County Bee Suit, and he can’t even snap a photo of a coprophiliac ape?
Apparently his girlfriend has stressed to him he’s not allowed to recount this tale amongst company. And he claims to have told her about me! Being the best friend, I’ll do my best to make him uncomfortable. By taking our conversation as close to the verboten topic without touching it.
“Man, you won’t believe what happened to me a couple weekends ago. Seriously dude, this tops even that uncensored America’s Funniest Home Videos footage. You remember the one with the monkey up in the tree that sticks its finger up its ass, sniffs it, then falls down? Yeah, this one is totally better!
See, we were at Lowry Park Zoo near the monkey pit and…”
Make up some lame monkey shit-playing story from there. Just to watch the glances she gives him; You’d better not even think about it! I might have to give Sparkle the “Museum” set camera to immortalize the occasion! It could be used as my Christmas card cover!
I’ll keep you posted on what happens next…