The Cigar City Mafia vs the Switchblade Sisters

While this shot is compositionally horrible, one also doesn't often catch Reeces Tear Ya to Pieces mid-yell.

The Tampa Bay Derby Darlins’ last bout (the Switchblade Sisters versus the Cigar CIty Mafia) was preceded with an air of mystery. As the Sisters were 1-1, the Mafia 2-0, the the Darlins’ last league team, the Black Widows 2-, a Sisters’ victory would mean a three-way tie going into the Championship ‘Stache Bash II. Leaving in mind a number of questions such as how do you fairly stage a three-way Chamionship bout for first?

While my article covered the bout itself, I’m fairly convinced my editor wouldn’t enjoy my theory on how a thruway bout could be placed. Enter the gloriousness of the personal (and editor-less) blog.

First off, a three-way tie for first might be the best thing that can handle in any sport, but especially for roller derby. As all those other sports have so many decades supporting them that they’ve become banal themselves, modern roller derby is still a recent phenomena. Meaning that such a three-way tie wouldn’t be viewed as a one-off aberration of poor planning, but instead seen as a “beautiful disaster.” Reminding everyone of what they loved about derby in the first place: the opportunity of a new sport.

It would be a situation who’s potential greatness would be equal to the father who once abandoned you at three years old coming back, and making good on all the promises he was never around to make. Erasing the 20-odd years of neglect with feats so spectacular that any reservations held on your part would disappear; all in one day.

Starting with presents. Money can’t. of course, buy love or familial devotion. But the right amount of it can recreate the holiday of the family, Christmas, any time of the year. So that you’re waking up to a surprise Christmas morning with all the presents your two part-time job working, night school attending mother could never afford after she got knocked up by that no-good traveling (jazz) musician.

A no-good (jazz) musician who slowly becomes better when he follows the post-Christmas breakfast up with a trip to Disney World.

After riding everything Walt has to offer 17 times(!), you’ll finish your special day together with “pa-pa” (yes, he’s now reached nickname status) at Chuck E. Cheese. (Where his newly-found love for you is reaffirmed by politely not inviting his current girlfriend. This is a “family” day, through and through.)

Not just any Chuck E. Cheese though, as “pop-pop” has called ahead of time and convinced them (read: bribe) to fill the ball pit with Cheetos! Yet he wisely remembered enough of his ill-spent youth to tell the staff to keep the fake snakes that are always found in such pits intact.

A three-way tie for first would be that much awesome, on top of roller derby’s own inherent awesomeness!

Such a feat wouldn’t even that expensive, given the price of tape nowadays. Picture it: the track merely widened by a 1/3; providing adequate room for the additional 5(!) skaters. A few more chairs in the penalty box and we’re almost ready to play!

But how? This might be the three-way tie for first’s greatest gift, as entire strategies would be laid to waste. Teams coyly using penalties to gain an edge; perhaps sacrificing one of their own so that another team not fall too far behind, so that they both can keep maneuvering against the strongest team? The refs would no longer have to shoulder the brunt of all fan hostility; as claims of impropriety amongst the teams arise after the bout finishes. (Seeds of a derby Black Fishnets scandal?)

You can read about the actual bout here, and find out just what direction the Tampa Bay Derby Darlins are going.


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