Fun Tricks to Play on Children

My Poor, Unsuspecting Niece: “No, I said ‘I spy something green’… it’s grass!”

S/T: “I don’t believe you. PROVE IT!”

Everyone here already knows of my obsession with Roller Derby, Circuses, and pointless, self-imposed Halloween contests. Few readers, however, will know of my fascination with arguing with three year-olds. It is seriously the most fun you’ll ever have.

Everyone should also know that I love to argue. With anyone. This sets a lot of people back when we meet. My boss, for example, would probably be really happy if I showed him some subservience. Instead he gets the usual dose of dry wit and sarcasm. Of course, he’d probably also enjoy getting a million dollars. Frankly, I don’t want to be leading him on on any sort of level.

One thing you can count on me for is not giving people what they want. Want to read the recap of the Cigar City Mafia’s latest bout against the Switchblade Sisters? [This was obviously written before the aforementioned hyperlink existed.] Nope, instead you’ll get this: a slow-roasted Easter story and a couple of lesbian vampire films.

S/T: “Wait a minute… your Dad already used ‘grass!’ Now you’re cheating! I can’t play this game any longer!” [Throwing my hands up in disgust.]

MPUN: [laughing] Uncle Shenani-Timmy’s playing a joke.”

S/T: “A joke? I don’t hear anyone laughing, do you? I’m just sitting here, trying to play ‘I Spy.’

My Sister: [Turning towards my poor niece] “People rarely laugh when [Shenani-]Tim[s] tells a joke…”

At this exact moment, as my sister explains to a carload of family members just how the world has never caught up to my obviously advanced humor, proof of my hilariousness was literally running down my face. The towering argument I had painstakingly fastened out of a three year-old’s logic had reduced me to gleeful, humorous tears. Is it my fault if those around me hate mirth and merriment?

After all, if I can’t make myself laugh, is it really a joke?

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