Another Blog About Dining

I have a kitchen table! I HAVE A KITCHEN TABLE!

I really can’t electronically scream this loud enough.

After years of living alone, I’m finally leaving the unwashed, huddled masses of the uncivilized for the slightly statelier masses of the barely civilized.

It’s 2013 and I’m civilizing? Yes! And it’s all due to this one little table:


Look, I’ve barely owned this pile of wood a month, and it’s already covered in crap AND inadvertently teaching me important life lessons.

I had a friend come over to visit a few nights ago. He rode his scooter, and was soaked to the bone after a monsoon opened up upon him along the way.

Sort of civilized, I gave him a couple of towels to dry off, and then must’ve scared him with my beaming stare when he joined me at my (new) table.

“Don’t worry,” he quickly reassured, “the bottom of my pants are dry.”

The bottom of his pants? What the hell is he talking about? Of course, he’s concerned because of the rain! He doesn’t want to get my chair wet! He clearly misread my pride for alarm.

Which is one of the unadvertised pitfalls of acting civilized; there’s a lot of rules tied into it. Feeling remorse for soaking a friend’s chair. Knowing that your friend is going to feel remorse about (possibly) soaking the chair, and trying to head them off in the shame game by telling them it’s okay before they sit down. Realizing that the next time you’re visiting them, these same rules will apply.

And these are only the rules pertaining to seating! Imagine trying to keep all this straight while following the Futterman’s rule. Between this crash course in etiquette I’m going to have to learn, as well as the need to accessorize this newly discovered space, I’ll most likely never have another moment of rest!


Is ShenaniTims full of shit? Tell him now!

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