Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009)

megashark_large

The Asylum is for Millenials what Troma and Full Moon were to Generation X’ers. Where Troma and Full Moon had a lock on the home rental market, Asylum instead has a (seemingly) substantial deal with the SyFy network; releasing a new packed-to-the-gills exploitation future classic every week. Their run peaking with the double-shot from hell: Nazis at the Center of the Earth and Sharknado.

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus - Megalodon Attacks!

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus - Megalodon

Before the Asylum hit the pop cultural goldmine with Sharknado, they tested the waters with other aquatic animal-themed movies; such as today’s feature: Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus.

As if having a Mega Shark and Giant Octopus wasn’t enough star power, this film also stars Debbie Gibson! For the record, she’s as good as an actor as she is a singer. Apparently they paid her enough to be in the movie, but not enough to look interested.

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus - Giant Octopus2

I guess pointing out that a Giant Octopus would actually be rather timid is besides the point here. Octopi being more “flight” than “fight” when in the wild.

I’ll assume everyone reading this realizes that while yes, our “Mega Shark,” the Megalodon did actually exist, it probably wasn’t able to jump hundreds of feet into the air. Great whites have been known to jump into boats, but to jump up and snatch a plane from the sky is a couple of orders of magnitude too big, even if the shark’s a Megalodon.

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus - whale watching

I’m also not a oceanologist, but when two meet, I’m guessing the line, “I think I’m being followed by the FEDs” would be met with comical derision. They should put a disclaimer up at the beginning informing the audience that in the movie’s alternate reality, stealing multi-million dollar submarines is no big deal.

Now I’m not calling Debbie Gibson a dummy, but I know what a Megalodon is. Which is more than Gibson’s Emma; who’s apparently “a brilliant oceanographer.” Which, in this movie world, makes me Einstein.

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus - Fighter Jet Vs Giant Octopus

The first time I watched Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus I remember enjoying it. Sadly it was long enough ago that I can’t clearly recall what it was I thought I enjoyed. One year later and the honeymoon period is over.

I’ve seen four minutes of gigantic animal carnage, and roughly 36 minutes of three scientists sit in a lab clinking test tubs together. There’s a giant octopus terrorizing Japan, and a revived Megalodon snacking on planes headed to California. Why are we watching Lorenzo Lamas?

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus - Says it All Really

Oh, of course for the age-old “should we kill the monsters or study them” debate. Emma and friends want to study the giant beasts, Lorenzo wants to blow them up to reopen the world’s shipping channels. Luckily, 20 minutes later, the scientists are on-board with blowing the beasts up too.

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus - Battle to the Death

Which is a great turn of events, as they can now begin studying how Lorenzo Lamas has somehow managed to escaped the effects of time…

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus - I Think Octopus Wins

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