Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe (2005)

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Any horror film that starts out with outer space being compared to a giant dump is alright in my book. It’s an accurate reading on American consumption patterns which is hard to deny, and it’s less topical than say Zombie Stripper’s social commentary. The magic of Vampire Wars comes later though, as space is just the backdrop.

Vampire Wars is a film made up from footage of a failed Sci-Fi show. Similar to David Lynch’s Mulholland Dr. debacle, SyFy took the existing footage and fashioned a film out of it. Unlike Mulholland Dr., Vampires Wars is actually good. In it, V-SAN (Vampire Sanitation) is a ship who’s mission is to rid outer space of the vampire threat. The vampires here aren’t vulnerable to sunlight or crosses. They aren’t even, as we’ll learn, all necessarily evil.

Vampire Wars - Voorhes

In a brilliant twist, the different vampire clans are named after famous monsters. There”s the Vorhees, who have bone encasings around their hearts, and must be staked. (With stainless steel stakes!) Different strains require different killing methods; making for interesting combat sequences, as you can shoot a vampire in the leg to cripple it before staking it.

Why hasn’t any other franchise thought of that? We’re over 100 years into the vampire mythos here!

Vampire Wars - Leatherface

Also, some of the (less powerful) vampires dress like Leatherface. You only need to shoot them to kill them, but they roam in packs. Packs of Leatherfaces!

The Nosferati vampires act as hosts to parasitic, talking worms. I’m guessing Slither was the inspiration here, but I’m too lazy to check the dates right now.

Vampire Wars - Worm Vampires

Vampire Wars - Talking Worm Vampire

If the thought of a television show following a bunch of intergalactic trash men flying around the cosmos fighting vampires wearing human faces as masks sounds too far out for you, then you, my friend are part of the problem. You’re the reason this piece of brilliance never made it past the pilot stage of development.

Think the Space Marines from Aliens taking on a vampire hoard. If that doesn’t capture your attention, just close your browser window.

Vampire Wars - Bloody Television

For a proposed television series, there sure is a lot of blood and gore on display here. Maybe Vampire War’s failure isn’t entirely your fault after all…

The only downside to this movie is a soundtrack that unfortunately relies on ’90s-’00s hard rock modeled after ’70s boogie. It’s a Zakk Wylde wet dream.

Churchill later returns as a vampire; to the surprise of no one.

Other than that though, there’s nothing really wrong here. We have a by-the-book Captain Damian (Dominic Zamprogna), with a tragic past, who’s trying to learn to loosen up. The previous Captain Churchill (Joe Lando) is killed during a mission by Leatherfaces after being double crossed by Fiona (AJ Cook).

Fiona is an anthropologist who realized, after studying vampires for years, that humans are actually the most destructive predatory animals in the Universe. So the Vorhees clan recruit her to uncover humans who might be wiling to join the vampire cause to teach them what they lack. Vampires being unable to innovate as the humans do.

Vampire Wars - Crazy Vampire

So a futuristic vampire film set in outer space with a revenge storyline with a double-cross angle. Seriously, what’s not to love?

The crew’s resident good vampire Quintana (Natassia Malthe) also has mind sex with Captain Damian. Mind sex!

Vampire Wars - MIND SEX!!!

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