Halloween: the Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

Aw Jesus, where do I start? The first death in Halloween: the Curse of Michael Myers has a mother who’s recently given birth having the back of her head bashed into a lighting fixture. The second death has a random drunk dressed like a cultist midwife having his neck snapped after wondering why aforementioned midwife is stealing his truck.

Why he was drinking out in the rain instead of in his truck will never be explained.

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So yeah, Halloween: the Curse… starts with a cult and the Moses story. Also Mike Myers chasing the midwife and baby around. We also learn that Mike Myers has become a sort of urban legend; with people believing that he’s in league with the CIA.

This is all the pertinent information from the film’s first 15 minutes. Some might scoff at the 88 minute runtime (less than 2 hours? 90 minutes even?), but there’s seriously more story here than anyone will ever be able to decipher.

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So apparently the mother from the beginning was the last of the Strode family. Or would’ve been the last had she not given birth moments before handing her child off to a random midwife and then then being murdered. So I’m gonna guess (I’m about halfway through the film at this point) that the child is Mike Myers’ own offspring. Which, if this is the case, means all the subsequent deaths could be justifiable. Seeing how his baby mama just passed his kid off to a total stranger.

Speaking of parent-less children, what are the chances that the orphan from Halloween 5 would be adopted by the family that lives in that girl’s parent’s old home? I imagine getting adopted is tougher than that; which would make the odds tougher to meet. This isn’t even considering the fact that the father of the adopting family seems to hate his own family. Why would he then take in a total stranger?

As I’m sure you’ve already guessed, this film is marvelously over the top. Yet it also makes the most sense of any slasher series’ sixth part. We meet a local Mike Myers theorist, who explains that Myers’ invincibility comes from him being part of some druid mythology. Something about thorn constellation that controls when Mike can appear. Which sounds exactly like the normal garbage one would hear in the sixth part of a series that was once popular but which now has dwindling interest.

So how could this be a good thing? Because the filmmakers were smart enough to play up the Mike Myers as urban legend angle! Sure it’s silly that Myers is now some enforcer druid killing to ensure mankind keeps having good harvests. But it’s less silly when placed beside our modern celebration of Halloween which has people dressing up as demons to avoid being abducted by real demons. So makeup movie mythology meets enduring real life mythology for the win!

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Possibly the best swerve in movie history; certainly the best in slasher history. So that when we find out that the hospital is breeding Mike Myers in hopes of creating a supremely evil being, we’re not shocked into disbelieving. Like I said, marvelously brilliant.

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